I still cannot believe I finished another crying experience.
When I finished the first one with Josephine, I thought people would think I was crazy and despite the fact that I posted stories on Instagram asking people to participate in my project, I did not expect there would be more than 1 person messaging me.
Alici was one of the first people who contacted me.
I was very surprised that she would want to do this with me, because I have only met her once at the Let’s Shoot Boston event and she seemed like a cheery young girl who would not have immense emotion that would trigger her interest in my project but I was wrong.
How everything started
My original impression of Alici was, make up free natural beauty and effortlessly talented in front of the camera so even with doubt I agreed to meet up with her. We met at the Starbucks close to Berkelee and started our discussion. When I asked her if she could cry in front of the camera, she seemed very confident and told me that her own poems and her songs would easily make her emotional. Then we brainstormed on the editorial part. She said she was thinking of something floral themed so I asked her what flower she liked, and she told me it was the yellow daisy, therefore we started to work on this yellow daisy image.
About the Editorial Look
I am so lucky to be able to work with Najeema again for our editorial part, she always brings our vision to reality. And she is that kind of person who would be willing to do it all over again if something doesn’t work out for the shoot. For example, I thought the eyeshadow she originally chose was a bit too dark for our concept, she then asked Alici to wash off her makeup so that we could use a better shade of yellow. I really appreciate all of the effort she put into this.
We used a lot of petals from the yellow daisies to fulfill this look. Some petals underneath Alici’s eyes to echo with the crying theme, and some on her neck to make the image more wholesome. I wanted to use the yellow fabric as the background because I thought that would enhance the image a lot more and nail the yellow daisy/fairy vibe.
About Alici
Originally from Brazil, Alici is currently a student at Berkelee, and she studies music composition and business. She writes songs and poems, and she’s travelled many places of the world compared with girls her age, saying it was due to her father’s job.
The most interesting thing was that Alici told me she has synesthesia. She said she could see colors when she saw people or things she was familiar with. She said yellow was her color, that’s why she picked yellow daisy as her theme.
I asked her what my color was, and she said she saw purple in me. The color could change according to how well she understood a person as well. For example, when she first met her current boyfriend she thought he was gold, and when she saw his sensitive side she saw him more as white.
Her throat was not well that day, so she did not bring her guitar with her, instead she brought her notebook with poetries she wrote and read a poem for me after our editorial shoot. It was a poem in a flashback of her life from 17 to her childhood.
She started:
“I wish I was still 17.
Living a dream where everything could be achieved.”
She said 17 was the age that she would want to go back if there was a time machine. To her, it seemed like 17 was the year that she accomplished or healed something.
And then she went on:
“I wondered if I was giving too
much or not enough my 15 year old
self on the couch that one night with
my parents upstairs you were whispering
in my ear as I remember the sight of deer in headlights floating near.”
These words when I read them don’t seem to carry any weight, but in fact they hide a secret of Alici’s when she was 15. She slowly brought me to her memory of that night. She said she was with this guy in her school, on her couch and he was older. He brought a bottle of alcohol, he started drinking and Alici took some sips as well. After a while, they started kissing. It was Alici’s first kiss, she thought that was kind of cool, and her head was not thinking much with the impact of alcohol. As things progressed, everything started to get out of control, it was a kiss, then it was making out. Alici felt as if she was watching herself from afar, she could not do anything, she did not shout although her parents were upstairs, she just laid there.
She was raped.
She did not know how it happened so fast, and why she could not do anything about it. She was depressed for a long time. One day, she decided to kill herself, she picked a time when her family was supposed to be away from the house. One of her friends, however, detected something was wrong with her when they met at school, so he emailed her mom about it, asking them to watch over her at night. That night, nothing happened, due to a diligent and caring friend, and Alici went on a healing path. She went to meetings and started to sing songs for people. She fell in love with the fact that music could make people happy and smile. She used music to heal other people but also heal herself at the same time. And perhaps that was why poetry and music started to mean a lot to her. This energy of healing makes me think of the yellow daisy she likes, and the more I think the more I feel that the yellow daisy symbolizes her strength.
She cried when she was telling me this experience, but also, she urged me to not feel sorry for her. I think it was a deep pain in her, because of the shame she felt. But she had no fault in this. I cried as well when I listened to her story, I could not bear the fact that this accident made her feel worthless, and I was angry at the young irresponsible and impulsive teenage boy who let his hormones take control of him and not knowing how much he ruined. I told Alici, although you could not change what has happened, you should let it be a part of you, because it made you stronger and made you who you are now. And for all of the people who went through things like this, please always know that you are not at fault, please tell the people you trust about it, please seek help to heal, and please don’t give up on life, because there are so many other beautiful things in life that are waiting for you.
She ended her poem with a slightly sad tone:
“11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, my childhood all the same.
Except 5 on the farm. I remember you calling my name and leading me to a place where I have felt the most pain.”
I forgot to ask her about the last part of her poem and what was the pain, but I think it was not important anymore compared with the happiness she’s enjoying now. As I can see, despite being traumatized, she rose from the ashes and became a beautiful strong young woman, or you could say the amazing yellow daisy fairy.
In the End
I am so glad we got to create these images together, I hope whenever she sees them, she gains strength and energy. All the best from the bottom of my heart.