The Crying Experience I

“Maybe photographing beautiful things isn't enough for me, maybe photographing a pretty face isn't enough for me...”

I have this mind in my head for the longest time, ever since I started my journey on portrait photography, I have been trying to find the meaning of doing it for myself. When I am doing it for my clients, the meaning of it is clear, it's the satisfaction I get when I fulfill my clients' wishes, I love it when my clients are happy with what I created for them. But when I do it as an art for myself, what does it mean to me? No photographers will reject creating beautiful images, but I want to create something that's not only on the surface. I thought about emotion. I always thought the human's emotion is beautiful, and it's a deep kind of beauty. I am an emotional person myself, but not in every kind of emotion. I found myself easily immersed in sadness since I was young, it is not to say that I was a sad kid, but I tend to have a stronger feeling when it comes to sadness. It just seems like there are many shades of blue in my world of sadness. I tried photographing a crying self once, but I thought I was not entirely focused on my emotion. I cried first, then I thought maybe I could try to take a picture of it, so I was crying when I set up the tripod, and then I continue to cry when I was taking pictures of myself. It was too intended, but that was the first time I tried photographing crying. Crying can be associated with a lot of different emotions, but I found most people cry when they feel pain. And this pain probably is something they rarely think about or talk about to other people. I personally love having deep conversation with people who are interested in connecting with me. And that's why crying experience was slowly formed in my head.

I am so glad Josephine has accepted my proposal to become a part of this. I would not have the gut to ask other models, first of all, Josephine was an exceptional model, not only about the expressions her face could portray, but I could always pick up on the emotion she subtly expressed. Secondly, based on the experience I had with her in the past, I felt she was a person who was cool with most of the things, especially with "weird" things, so I decided to ask her to do this with me. I did have the fear that she would not want to do it, but I had no idea who else I would ask, so I just went for it.

Then we set up mood boards for the shoot. We wanted this shoot to have 2 parts, an editorial part and a crying part. I was totally nervous about doing this so I figured starting with the editorial part would warm up both of us and make the crying experience a lot easier. Also what if we failed? If we had only done the crying part and failed then she would just have come to my apartment for nothing..so yes the editorial part was very necessary for the build up and back up. When it comes to makeup artist, the first person I could think of is Najeema. She was an incredible person. To me, she was first a wonderful human-being and then a talented makeup artist. I trusted her so much, I knew she would not disappoint me and she was just amazing. She added so much color and life to my photograph with her makeup skill. And that necklace of hers also inspired us on the shots with a mother Mary concept. 

In terms of the meaning of our editorial part, it's not complicated. It was a beautiful portrayal of someone crying. Most of my favorite pictures are without dramatic sad expression. I prefer the expressions that have more of a sense that this person has been crying for a long time and she is exhausted. We chose a grey background, but the strong light on the model and my edit made the background look pitch black. Emotional piano instrumental music was playing during the session. There were several moments, I just wanted to cry when I looked at Jo's face with the music playing. But I held myself together, since I needed to be the person to record this.

The Crying Experience-Editorial Part

Model: Josephine Marie    MUA: Najeema    

Then We played with the pink sheer fabric Jo brought, used it as an object that was suppressing her. And then the cross necklace of Najeema's.

The Crying Experience-Editorial Part   with pink sheer

Model: Josephine Marie    MUA: Najeema    

The Crying Experience-Editorial Part    with pink sheer and cross

Model: Josephine Marie    MUA: Najeema    

The Crying Experience-Editorial Part       with pink sheer

Model: Josephine Marie    MUA: Najeema    

After saying goodbye to Najeema, Jo and I started to chat with the studio light still shining on her face, as if I was going to take a picture of her at any time, but to be honest, even after the editorial shoot, I was still nervous... I thought that I was a little bit weird for a second, but then I quickly saw this experience as a way to connect with my model. I really like Jo as a person, but then I also found her hard to talk to sometimes. I felt intimidated by her, but not because how great a model she was, it was a slight frustration that I had. I knew she could execute what I wanted very well but would she appreciate the art like I appreciate behind this as much? I still don't know the answer and I know I should not focus on this either. I started asking her how was she doing, she said she actually felt this was the time in a long time that she did not have to worry much, because she found out her credit was enough for her to graduate this year in January. Her major was related to the medical use of Marijuana which probably no one could have guessed. With my half giving up attitude (I really did not think I could take the picture of her crying), I asked a bit about her boyfriend and then her family. 

Without a recorder, I could only write down bits and pieces I remember, if there was any mistakes or slightly untrue statement please forgive me. Before telling her story I just want to throw back to the first time I met Jo, it was at Style Shoot Boston. She was the last model we shot with. Everyone seemed to know her already, saying how great she was as a model. Her boyfriend came with her also with a dog. He was waiting for her with the dog, far away from the shoot. That was my second time using my Sigma 35mm to shoot portrait, I was still struggling with the new lens a bit. I just thought this girl was pretty easy going, and she seemed to have some killer eye expressions, also her boyfriend must be so nice to wait for her like that. She was 21 years old and she was living with her boyfriend, and that was all I know. 

I love to ask people about their siblings because as an only child I grew up alone and I was always interested in their stories of siblings. So she told me she had a brother but her brother was not living with her current family. She and her brother grew up in PA, and her parents had a divorce when she was 7 years old. Not too long after the divorce, her father had a new girlfriend which is her current stepmom. Her brother has always thought the stepmom was the reason for the separation of their family, since the timeline seemed so obvious. But up to today, their parents have never explained about why exactly they had the divorce. Jo's mom chose to leave the house, so the burden of mortgage went onto her father, and he couldn't afford to pay the house, so they decided to sell the house, the house that she grew up in. 

They faced the possibility of being homeless but Jo's stepmom who was just her father's girlfriend took them under her roof. They had a place to stay thanks to her. According to her, her mother had been absent most of the time in her life, and her stepmom was the one to be there for her most of the time. She started crying when she compared her mom and her stepmom, because the more she articulated, the more she realized, her step mom was more like her real mom. She wanted to believe that her mom-her real mom was the mom, but the truth was, her stepmom was her real mom this whole time. She said it was not like she lost her real mom, she was still alive, but why she was not there most of the time? They did see each other regularly, but they could never have the kind of conversation she had with her stepmom. 

It was at that moment I wanted to take the pictures. I was touched by her realization, and on the other hand I was trying to capture this moment. I felt her vulnerability in front of my face, it scared me a bit because I felt like I opened a box that was never opened. The emotion, the tears, they made me feel the weight on my shoulders. I hesitated but then I took the pictures. It was a bit of a struggle because I felt as if I violated her confession. But here she was, showing an emotion of frustration and realization.

The Crying Experience-Crying Part       

Model: Josephine Marie     

The Crying Experience-Crying Part       

Model: Josephine Marie 

The Crying Experience-After Crying       

Model: Josephine Marie 

After this shoot, I walked Jo to her car, she was not driving back to Amherst and I was glad she did not have to drive alone for 3 hours at night. I went back home, and I just had to process, I felt like I was emotionally exhausted although I was not the one who cried.. I was not sure why I had that feeling. I did not look at the pictures that night because I had a bit of difficulty looking at them and editing them-I felt depressed when I looked at them for a while. But once I got through the emotion, I managed to edit some of the pictures. 

 And this was my first crying experience session, I still cannot believe I did it. My intention was to capture the emotion and build a connection with the person I take picture of. There was definitely a burden I carry when someone shares his/her pain with me, but it was part of the release he/she needs. The purpose of the session was to remind us the beauty of emotion, the connection we made, and the story we shared.

Opinions and thoughts are most appreciated, if not I hope you at least enjoy my art.

If anyone is interested in doing an editorial headshot session that follows by a crying experience with me, please let me know. I look forward to get to know you, and to let you know about me.

“Part-time” ≠ “Unprofessional”

It has been almost a month since I have claimed myself a part-time photographer. Sometimes I really want to drop the word “part-time” because it sounds unprofessional, it almost equates “part-time” with “amateur”. But no, I want to tell you “part-time” ≠ “unprofessional” or “amateur. Because I believe some people are capable to excel in more than one thing, or maybe I should say some people are capable to do something they need to do and something they love to do at the same time.

Life does not give you everything you want, when you can feed yourself by doing the things you love, congratulations, you are very lucky. But for many other, less fortunate, people, the job that pays the bill is not always where their passion lies. Even though I am trying to earn some money from my photographs, I would say that currently my business has not reached to the point that I would be able to live off as a photographer.

It is hard to explain the uncertainty I fear for being a full-time photographer: it’s the way I was raised, it’s the value I was taught, and it’s the experience from others I have witnessed. To be honest, my parents still do not 100% support my current decision, but that’s life, it does not give you everything you want, but you have to do whatever it takes that will not let you regret living it.

2 weeks ago, I attended the first photo-shooting event in Boston (#LetsshootBoston). I used to go to these a lot when I was in college back in China. It was an all-female event, which made it a lot more comfortable because we did not have to compete with male photographers for pretty female models. And I learned that many of them were like me, they have their separate full-time jobs but they love photography very much. They are just as good as the full-time photographers, but they just do not consider this as their main source of income. All of a sudden, I thought, it is OK to be a part-time photographer, because being part-time or full-time does not determine how good you are. The time we invest and what we get out of a certain thing is not always a 1 to 1 relationship.

I felt grateful that I am not alone and I am so inspired by all of the talented women. Sometimes, it’s good to not overthink but just do it. To all the people who are in the same boat, good luck to you and lets carry on!

(The below are photos of two very talented photographers I met at the event, Tracy and Dania)

My First!

Hi everyone, it's Shell here sharing my thoughts on my experience! I probably will blog more frequently in the beginning because I am still so new, so I can look back on what it was like starting out!

Being NEW is a precious feeling, the excitement, the anxiety and the great joy of getting a little bit of success. In this post I just want to share some of my FIRST experiences since I became a part-time photographer.

1-My first client

Charlie was my first client ever if I count my friend Tess as an exception. He saw the pictures I took of Tess on Facebook and reached out to Tess about me. I was really thrilled, because I did not expect this to come so fast, also at that point I had not decided whether or not to go full force, because I was simply using my old tricks and did the thing I thought was right (you know those tricks I used when I was in photography club back in college). When Charlie asked me if I could take some pianist portrait for him I did not even need to think, I probably would have done it for free if I did not calm myself down immediately. 

Anyways, shooting Charlie brought me to another level of eagerness to become a professional photographer. My being part-time still does not diminish the quality of my photos, it only means that I want to do more things in my life rather than one thing. And this eagerness brought me to Thumbtack.

2-My first Thumbtack client

With Thumbtack, you, the freelancer, need to pay a fee every time you put in an offer for a job. Getting clients on this app was frustrating at first because my portfolio did not have enough pictures. In the beginning I would bid on anything, thinking that someone would probably pay in a very low price for someone who does not even have the corresponding kind of pictures in the portfolio. I was completely stupid and overly optimistic about myself. I did not realize that until later. It was after I bid for a week that I decided to narrow it down to portrait only, because that's what I have taken! Girl, you finally know what you are doing right now! So my first Thumbtack client appeared very late on a Sunday night - it was Mazi. He sent a request past mid-night, and because I always look at my phone I snatched that request and sent a quote to him. Quite fortunately he contacted me the next morning and told me he needed this done within the next couple of days and he was really easy-going. I am so glad that my first Thumbtack experience was with Mazi - I even bought my first backdrop cause of him!

I am sure there will be more "first" experiences to come, and so far they are all very good. So long for now, can't wait to share more the next time! :)

My favorite picture of Charlie

My favorite photo of Mazi